Summer and hopes for harmony and rest – but also a risk for a hectic social life with friends and family. You may not have the energy for hosting duties this year or feel that your vacation is turning into a long family gathering?
It's important to stand up for your own needs, says relationship expert Charlotte Sander.
Standing up for yourself and saying no to others is socially difficult for many, especially when it comes to family. But it's crucial, according to Per Carlbring, professor of psychology at Stockholm University. It should be done constructively, with respect, and based on your own needs. What do I really want and need?
If it's to show off a list of things I've done and can brag about when I get back to work, then it's not a good reason, says Carlbring.
But having a lot to do doesn't have to be negative if it's something that fills you with energy.
The whole idea of a vacation is recovery. The need for rest after a long autumn, winter, and spring is great, according to Charlotte Sander, relationship expert and certified therapist. The vacation shouldn't become another stress moment or a competition. You should take care of yourself, your relationship, and your closest loved ones, she emphasizes.
This thing with family and friends, that can be secondary, she explains.
How do you say no?
Sander means that it's important to stand up for your own needs and be clear.
You have to dare to say what's a bit uncomfortable and it's really tough. But at the same time, you usually feel a bit proud when you've set that boundary.
And you don't have to say no entirely, but can set your own conditions.
It's good if you're clear about needing rest and maybe only have the energy for one night, not three. It's about people who want you to feel good and want to be accommodating in that, says Per Carlbring.
Dare to leave
Once you're in the house you've rented with your partner's family, there may be a need to take a step back. Maybe even end the trip or visit earlier? A tip from the professor of psychology is to use I-messages: "I feel and I experience that". Per Carlbring explains that you then don't place the blame on someone else, but only base it on your own experience, which can't be questioned.
It's common that you don't feel supported by your partner when it comes to conflicts with family, according to Sander. It can lead to a sense of loneliness that erodes the team feeling.
The partner with the family ties may have to have the conversation with the person it's awkward with, not the daughter-in-law with the mother-in-law, for then it can easily become infected.
